ADHD and Parents

ADHD and PARENTS

 

Being the parent of a child diagnosed with ADHD is no easy task. By the time a child is diagnosed, most parents are aware that their child is different from other kids and that their child is often less mature, more impulsive, prone to accidents and risk taking and finding themselves in all sorts of difficult situations.

On top of all this there are the well meaning friends and family who say things like "he's just being a boy" , "you just need to discipline him more", etc. These people are well meaning but if you have never lived with a child with ADHD then you will not know what it is really like. The constant action and the constant distractions and the tiring days mean that the parents are often worn out. To make it even worse, these kids are often delightful creatures when one on one with their grandparents and other carers who may not see how difficult and exhausting the child can actually be. 

The reason is that these children thrive on the one on one time. They have someone who wants to keep them happy and occupied, catering to their very need. They love the one on one. Of course, this one on one time is actually really valuable for all. It allows time for parents to get a break, to do their own thing without having to keep a constant watch over the child to avert potential disaster. It gives grandparents time to enjoy their grandchild and have quality time with them and of course the kids love it because they feel they are really special. 

But whilst these times are important they often lead to the significant others having a distorted view of what the child is really like and how the child really responds in life. As kids with ADHD are so often impulsive they often do crazy things, but one on one there is less opportunity for that to happen. Often it's not till the child stays for an extended amount of time that the significant others discover the impulsive side of the child, the risk taking and the dangerous situations.

On top of all of this pressure is the media who run articles on a regular basis about ADHD usually focussing on the medication side of the issue. Most parents I know do not want to medicate, but as a way of helping the child, it may be vital. The media is often responsible for irresponsible reporting about ADHD and it is often I'll informed. As a result, parents who are already feeling tired and stressed are made to feel guilty for trying to help their child. Medication does not change behaviour, but it allows the child to be less impulsive and behaviour management and behaviour modification strategies work better because the child is more able to learn. The child is also more able to learn at school and this means they are more likely to stay on track and to stay up with their peers instead of falling behind or struggling with their work as a result of poor concentration and high distractability.

Parents with children who have ADHD need support and encouragement, not platitudes and guilt trips. When it comes to medication, it's important to remember that it is only one part of a holistic approach to treatment. In fact, far from being over prescribed, only about one third of children with ADHD actually get any treatment at all. Parents are often told that the disorder is a new one, that it is only recently come to everyone's attention, that our society is responsible however ADHD was first described over 100 ago, and has been studied ever since. In other fields, we celebrate new discoveries and breakthroughs yet somehow with ADHD we feel that we have to come up with a reason for disparaging the disorder. Why, when there is actually a great deal of evidence and research that shows the condition is real and can be successfully managed. Again I say, lets encourage our parents and not make life harder for them. It's difficult enough as it is to be a parent.

Parents need to be aware of stressors and triggers in their children and to modify the environment if necessary, but they also need to be aware of what triggers them. Parenting is no easy task, not even for children with neurotypical behaviour and the frustrations of ADHD can mean heightened behaviour and responses from both parents and children. Its good to learn to use "I" type language. This is appropriate when working with all children and people in general. The "I" statements remove the feeling of attacking another and throw responsibility for behaviour back into the right court. These kids need to take responsibility for their behaviour but we also need to take responsibility for ours as parents and watch what we say and do. Ultimately our children learn from us and we can work on setting good standards and boundaries for yourself.

Respect is also important. Everyone wants to be respected and this is true of our children. Children with ADHD often struggle in this area both in the give and the take, but as parents, if we can encourage them to show respect by respecting them, we will do much better. Think about what your child is good at and encourage them. 'I really respect the way you..." and fill in with what ever the child is good at. These kids suffer so much from lack of self esteem, they are always being told to do stuff differently, try harder, change behaviour that sometimes we forget that we can damage their self esteem. Kids remember the negative words far easier that the positive ones so give them lots and lots of positives to outweigh the negatives. This is especially important if your child has had a hard day at school. They may have had lots of negatives comments from teachers and other children, they may have been bullied or ridiculed, so its extremely important to ensure that the home is a safe environment and a positive environment for your child.

This does not mean you never discipline these kids, we will discuss this at a later date, but it does mean that we carefully consider how we discipline our children and how we speak to our children and about our children. Our kids hate us talking about them to others so be carefully who you talk to and what you say about your children to others as it may be affecting your child more than you know.

Parents, look after yourself. Raising children with ADHD is tiring, so make sure you have people in your life to give you a break from time to time. This is especially important if you are a sole parent. Your emotions can easily get frazzled and time out is key to maintaining your own emotional health as well as that of your family. If you need help, get whatever help you need. You are more able to help your child and parent your child well, when you are whole and well. This does not mean that if you are struggling you can't be a good parent. It does mean that it is easier when you are emotionally whole.  Be sure to have plenty of self time. This is not being selfish, it's being smart. It's making sure you are in the best possible position to parent your child and to deal with the added pressure the ADHD brings to your life and family.

How you see your child will also determine how easy it is to work through the issues. I know that for me, it was easier when I could see the funny side of the behaviour, and to not take myself so seriously. It was easier when I stopped trying to make my child do everything that the teacher wanted, the way they wanted it. I allowed for flexibility and looked at other solutions. I made a decision that my child's education, though important was not going to be a cause of distress to either him or to myself. He did what he could do, and we worked together on helping him progress. We maintained strong boundaries, and were hopefully fair in discipline, but we allowed our boy to be himself, to find what he was good at and to encourage him in that. For him it was music, for some it is sport, or creative arts or woodwork or Metalwork, the options are endless. Each of our children are individuals with individual strengths. They will never be anyone else, so lets as parents allow them to be themselves  and to focus on what they are good at rather than forcing them into what they are not good at.

When we encourage our kids, they respond and they actually begin to do better in other areas of life. Being different will be an advantage for them when they are adults, so lets encourage them and help inspire them and allow them to be them. This will take the pressure off everyone and as parents, that has got to be a bonus.