Communication

Thinking about how we communicate. 

Communication is shared meaning, so if there is no shared meaning there is no communication. An interesting question arises though. If shared meaning is the goal of communication, how come we get it wrong so often? Even when we are trying so hard to get it right we sometimes miss the mark. Does this mean that we just don't really take the time to think about what we are doing when we communicate with people, especially with our children? We probably all need to get better at working out how we are going to really listen to people, really take note of what they are saying and really try to understand them. But there is also the need to make sure others understand us, that our children really do know what is required of them.

One of the things with children diagnosed with ADHD is that it takes longer for them to understand our meaning. All too often we are too quick to get frustrated with them instead of taking the time to really make sure we know that they do understand what we are asking. Sometimes we think that just because we have said something, they will know what we mean, and what we want. This is simply not true. So many times with my son I made the mistake of thinking that because I had said it, he had heard and processed it. Quite often his physical ear had heard, but his brain had not processed what I said. (Slow auditory processing is common in children diagnosed with ADHD.) I was blissfully unaware that he had no idea of what I had asked and what he was expected to do. In fact for him, it was as if I had never said it. This was confusing for him and frustrating for me.

Parents so often get upset with their children when they do not do what is expected or required. They are sure that they have said something to their child, given a direction, asked for something to be done, and they get cross with their child who says to them, " but you never said....". (Believe me, I know the frustration.) The truth is that both parent and child are right. The parent has said, but the child has not understood, or processed the message, and therefore as far as the child is concerned, it was never said.

Children diagnosed with ADHD also often have difficulty with too many instructions given at the same time. They will usually get the first part or the last part and miss everything else. This also causes frustration because again, they don't really know what they are expected to do. It all seems like a jumble, they don't know where to start, and so they do nothing, or something completely different. This is not a deliberate disobedience. They really are confused about what they are to do, so they try and make the best of the situation. I have found much better responses when instructions are limited to one or two at a time. Unfortunately we often forget and run off a whole list of things. It is little wonder that our children do not seem to co-operate when we have made it confusing for them.   

As parents, if we can get a grasp of this and have some understanding of what is happening for our child, we will find better ways of communicating. We will look for better ways of ensuring that our child really has understood what we want and what we have asked them to do. We cannot expect a child to do what they are not capable of. It is up to us as parents and carers to ensure that they know; to take the time to stop and listen and to help the child understand what is expected.  

Once we have understood that it is our responsibility, we can begin to help the child learn better ways of listening and understanding without either parent or child getting totally upset and frustrated in the process. This is a really useful notion because it removes so much of the frustration, so much of the angst, for both parent and child, and makes life so much easier for both. I know that for myself, once I understood this, I realised my child was not being difficult or forgetful. My child was just being himself, trying to make sense of the world around him as best as he could; he was not trying to make my life or his more difficult. This understanding opened up a whole knew way of communicating with my child and building a much more positive relationship. I don't always get it right but I have the tools to get it right. It makes so much of a difference, and is such a simple thing. 

It is worth taking the time to make sure our child understands and has processed the information. When the child knows what they are to do, they usually have the ability to do it. What seems like non-compliance is actually just a lack of understanding of what is required of them. What seems like opposition, or forgetfulness melts away. Though this is not a cure all, it makes such a difference. I wish I had known this earlier as I know it would have saved a lot of frustration for me and for my child.